Tension, Conflicts, Divorce. Addressing Infidelity in Marriage Counselling

Introduction. Addressing infidelity in marriage counselling

Addressing infidelity is one of the biggest challenges of marriage therapy. Extradyadic affairs can have an overwhelmingly disturbing impact on a couple’s relationship.

Not only are partners confused about how to continue the relationship, but therapists and counsellors also state that dealing with affairs is one of their toughest tasks.

Intimate relationships are critically important for most adults and highly influence overall happiness and health. Indeed, fulfilling relationships can provide well-being and social support and prevent countless stressors. However, when substantial stress, fights or disappointment accompany these relationships, they can result in toxic consequences to physical and mental health (e.g. depression, anxiety).

How to deal with an affair in couple counselling

Jealousy is a normal human reaction after discovering the infidelity of the partner. It may cause obsessive thoughts associated with imagining the intimacies of the affair, obsessive overthinking and compulsive actions aimed at knowing all of the details of the affair. Moreover, it often leads to clingy behaviours and remorseless inquiries concerning the partner’s location. In addition, the discovery of an affair often generates fury and hypervigilance for continuous betrayal.

Marriage therapists usually conceptualise infidelity as a traumatic interpersonal experience. Therefore, I see the mentioned and other symptoms, including flashbacks, hyperarousal or shock, as post-traumatic.

Couples counselling, integrated approach

Nevertheless, trauma interventions are insufficient to aid couples in recovering from an affair. The couples therapy is effective for infidelity-specific issues should incorporate

• trauma-based,
• insight-oriented,
• forgiveness,
• cognitive-behavioural interventions

Consequently, my therapeutic approach is based on forgiveness, cognitive reappraisal, behavioural techniques and response to trauma. It includes three key phases.

Stages of the therapy

1. Managing the Initial Impact of Infidelity

In this phase, we address the initial impact of the affair. Thus, the treatment mechanisms for this phase are mainly trauma-oriented and cognitive-behavioural. They directly address issues that arise from the immediate effect of infidelity (e.g. depression and emotional dysregulation). Depending on the symptom severity or pre-existing psychiatric conditions, marriage therapists may recommend a psychiatric evaluation.
In addition to the initial assessment, the first phase of infidelity aims at improving the following skills:

• setting healthy boundaries,
• self-care techniques,
• time-out techniques,
• emotional regulation skills

2. Getting an insight

In the second phase of the therapy, I aid the couple in exploring both distal and proximal factors that caused the participating partner to engage in the affair. Consequently, interventions in this stage of the therapy are mainly insight-oriented and include cognitive restructuring strategies.

3. Moving forward

In the third phase of the infidelity treatment, I encourage the couple to synthesise what they have explored about each other and reconsider their relationship. Subsequently, partners decide how or whether they wish to proceed with their relationship. Finally, the couple starts working on enhancing their relationship in the here and now or initiating termination actions. Forgiveness-oriented interventions are crucial in this phase.

Couples Counselling for Infidelity: Conclusion

Effective marriage therapy for infidelity might draw upon trauma interventions integrated with cognitive-behavioural techniques and insight-oriented methods. It provides an intervention that balances the past, present, and future with an emphasis on developmental factors and distress.