Jealousy: How Couple’s Counselling Can Help

What is Jealousy?

Jealousy is a multifaceted interpersonal, cognitive, behavioural, and emotional phenomenon-one of the issues we often address in couples counselling.

Jealousy is a negatively valanced emotional condition due to a threatened or real loss of a valued relationship. It usually happens because of the threat of an actual or fictional adversary. Similarly, one may feel jealous because of expected or real rejection by a partner in favour of a rival. As an intricate social feeling or mixture of emotions, jealousy comprises, in differing ratios, fury or anger over unfaithfulness, fear of rejection and the related pain, uncertainty and self-doubt, suspicion, feeling offended and disgraced, hatred and grief. It evokes bodily, behavioural and cognitive responses to defend against relationship threats. Jealousy may lead to hopelessness, depression, anger, violence, anxiety, intimidation and, in some cases, death.

This article outlines a cognitive-behavioural approach to dealing with pathological jealousy, commonly defined as a groundless preoccupation with the partner’s unfaithfulness. Likewise, pathological jealousy may involve a disproportionate obsession with potential infidelity or intrusive thoughts related to previous relationships of the partner. Furthermore, an ongoing romantic interest in another individual who is not the partner (any longer) may be related to pathological jealousy.

Several theories exist to explain jealousy. Evolutionary theory suggests that jealousy is a behavioural mechanism developed to safeguard the investment in a relationship where reproduction is a possibility. Jealousy has also been associated with effects of serotonin, shortages of self-esteem and higher dependency. The psychodynamic theory provides captivating conceptualisations of jealousy based on concepts of disrupted object relation, paranoid ideation, projection and ambivalent insecure attachment.

Cognitive-behavioural approach in couple counselling for treating (pathological) jealousy

A cognitive-behavioural model of jealousy (Leahy & Tirch, 2008) suggests that jealousy is a type of worry characterised as agitated, angry worry. The model incorporates several fundamental concepts.

Cognitive distortions and hyperawareness of threat 

As with any anxiety condition, the main feature of jealousy is an attentional bias towards threatening stimuli. Thus, the jealous person is likely to misapprehend neutral or ambiguous information as a danger to the relationship. As a result, they engage in dysfunctional thinking. This maladaptive thinking results from cognitive distortions (thinking errors). A pattern of cognitive distortions may include fortune-telling (“He/She is going to leave me”), personalising (“He/She is watching TV because he no longer finds me attractive”), mind-reading (“He/She is interested in someone else”) and overgeneralising (“He/She is always doing that”).

Emotional schemas

Similar to other reservations aggravated by the belief that “If I am afraid, then it is unsafe,” the jealous person uses his emotional concentration as an alert that the danger is real. One of the most rigid emotional schemas rests on the belief that uncertainty about one’s partner is intolerable.

Core beliefs

Jealousy often arises due to core beliefs about the self and others. Negative core beliefs about the self-result from the thoughts that one is unlovable or not good enough. Thus, individuals with a core belief that they are undesirable would be more likely to be jealous. Core beliefs about others are based on the opinion that others are manipulative, dishonest, rejecting, or inferior.

Metacognition

Similar to worriers, jealous individuals trust that their jealousy will help them avoid” surprises”, prepare them for the worst-case scenario or let them catch things before they fall to pieces. They believe that their jealousy protects them but also that their jealousy is uncontrollable. Consequently, they try to get their jealousy “under control” by reassurance seeking. Furthermore, they suppress the feeling of jealousy or avoid the circumstances that can cause them to feel jealous.

Intolerance of uncertainty

Like the worrier, the jealous person thinks that uncertainty about their partner’s “actual” interests is intolerable. Jealous people try to eradicate this uncertainty by seeking evidence, reassurance or challenging the partner. This hardly ever leads to a reasonable outcome, thereby demanding more certainty.

Dysfunctional interpersonal coping

Jealous individuals strongly believe that they must act, gain control and establish “what is actually taking place.” Consequently, they activate maladaptive interpersonal coping mechanisms that result in greater insecurity. These maladaptive mechanisms are threatening to leave, surveilling, controlling or attacking partner, deferring to partner, reassurance seeking, degrading competitors or engaging in infidelity.

Cognitive-behavioural couple counselling techniques to address (pathological) jealousy

Essential cognitive–behavioural therapy (CBT) techniques known to be effective for the treatment of jealousy include the following:

Practising mindful awareness

In this phase, we learn to notice the primary flush of jealousy in the body using an imaginary circumstance that would typically induce this feeling. Subsequently, we switch to the fundamental mindfulness of the breath practice. This 5-7–minute practice involves concentrating on non-judgmental awareness of the present moment based on the bodily sensations involved in breathing. When disturbing emotions, images or thoughts arise, we merely observe them. We simply label them and gently bring attention back to breathing. Mindfulness practices aid in disengaging from jealous thoughts by practising non-judgmental awareness of the present moment experience.

Practising acceptance

This crucial treatment stage aims at acknowledging that uncertainty is an unavoidable fragment of any relationship. However, tolerating uncertainty as unavoidable does not mean giving up one’s rights. Furthermore, attempting to suppress jealousy and jealousy-based forecasts may paradoxically intensify their occurrence. It is critically important to admit that you cannot control your partner’s thoughts and behaviours. Furthermore, you may not even be able to prevent the experience of jealousy. However, you can choose the way to respond to jealous feelings.

Uncertainty training

Similarly, to worry, jealousy includes intolerance of uncertainty about undesirable occasions. Uncertainty training involves analysing the costs and benefits of uncertainty and investigating examples of accepting different types of uncertainty in daily life to increase tolerance for all uncertainties. 

Consequently, we practise thought and verbal exposure therapy. Exposure-based techniques take advantage of habituation happening due to repeated exposure when an individual stops paying attention or inadequately responds to particular thoughts or objects.

Examining cognitive biases, core beliefs and schemas

At this stage, we employ traditional CBT methods, such as identifying cognitive distortions (thinking errors). The distortions usually include “mind-reading”, “personalising”, “labelling”, “catastrophising”, “disqualifying the positive”, etc. Furthermore, we explore core beliefs (e.g. “I am a loser”, “I’m unlovable”, etc.). Subsequently, we examine the evidence for and against dysfunctional thoughts and elaborate alternative interpretations. Jealousy belongs to personal schemas about inadequacy, imperfection, sexual attractiveness or unlovability. In close collaboration with their clinicians, individuals suffering from jealousy scrutinise these schemas in terms of roots, costs–benefits and use of alternative, more positive and adaptive schemas.

De-catastrophising potential loss

This phase involves visualising and de–catastrophising the “worst-case scenario” that could happen if jealous forecasts were true. Moreover, we examine the evidence for and against troublesome thoughts. In addition, we assess the essentiality of the relationship for our life by considering existing options for a meaningful life independent of the relationship.

Dealing with jealousy. Conclusion

Jealousy, particularly pathological, can be a destructive emotional response to perceived threats to a valued relationship. On the other hand, jealousy is a natural instinct to protect our relationship. Evolutionists claim that jealousy is a simple response to the perception of potential danger. Proponents of the cognitive-behavioural approach see jealousy as a form of agitated, angry worry.

Jealousy is a natural tendency we can cope with rather than act on. CBT for (pathological) jealousy aims at learning to notice, accept and regulate the jealousy response. The cognitive-behavioural approach to dealing with jealousy incorporates metacognitive, mindfulness and acceptance techniques. It helps jealous individuals accept uncertainty—an unavoidable fragment of any relationship.